Holy Heresies

Let There Be Light, if you can Pay For The Electricity.

And Jesus said to the boy- how many loaves and fishes do you have? He said five. Then Jesus said, let me have them, and before I give them to any of those thousands of hungry folks on the Hill I am going to have to ask them a few screening questions to confirm their ideological alignment with me. I will bless the bread, and turn it into enough to feed five thousand people, but first I have to know how they feel about gay people and whether they understand that the genetic material from their respective reproductive parts, when combined outside a womb in a petri dish is actually a baby. It looks like a few mutating cells, but I am going to Rorschack test them and see if they see a human baby there. If they say "fig tree" they get thrown in the Lake of Fire. Then I have to ask them if they agree with me on which of the ruling Prelates is most likely to tote my philosophy. If they answer all Open Sesame questions correctly, then let them eat. If not, let them starve.

Then the Apostle Paul, Saint Paul to you, who was hauled off in chains and sent out of the country on a ship to Rome to be tried for spreading word of The Word, found himself shipwrecked on the Island of Malta. On the Island many people came to him needing healing.
He said- I know I can heal you, but first before I try or get near you, I have to ask you a few screening questions- like 'Is the earth flat or round?' 'if you extract an egg from a woman, and put it in a jar and a guy jacks off in the jar and you shake it up does God think that there is a human in the jar?" If the Maltese people answer wrongly I won't heal them, I will let them perish in their sinful thoughts for having rejected my philosophy. Only if they answer all the open sesame questions correctly will I heal them and let them live.

Then Jesus said that on judgment day he would separate the sheep from the goats, and place the sheep on his right and the goats on his left. To the sheep he will say, come get your inheritance that was reserved for you from the creation of the world because you answered correctly the open sesame questions and picked what was lying behind the Price is Right Door No. 1. --the rest of that feeding the hungry, clothing the naked, tending to the sick, visiting people in prison, giving water to thirsty people doesn't count for squat-I was just kidding with all that. It's all about what's in the Petri dish and jack off jar.

NOT! Of course Jesus and Paul said nothing of the sort!!!

So Why Do Some American Bishops Do It During American Election Season?