At Bringham Young U.
-- The government is forcing Bringham Young University to provide in school cafeterias free Jack Daniels to make hot totties from whisky, a little lemon and honey to counter the flu strain that hit the Utah slopes and is spreading to nearby Universities. It works, declared the secretary of Health of Human Services in fighting throat and lung ailments- even bronchial pneumonia, she insisted. This age old gramma recipe has also been shown anecdotally to quiet babies who cry too much at night. The majority of the country has no objection to drinking hot totties and Jack Daniels also goes in Egg Nog. All the Cabinet secretaries have at one time or another snuck a sip. Moreover the majority of the country find that Mormons are nuts anyway. A random Mormon running for President who knows the moral code outlaws all alcohol consumption is raising lots of money off the prospect.
Bringham Young U. will be given one year to stock Jack Daniels or Jameson whisky. We will figure out how they are going to do that. What's that you say? You refuse? OK, well then the government will make you insert into the entrance tuition bills the notice from Larry's Liquor Store where kids and employees can go get free Jack Daniels and Jameson. We're the government, we are here to help.
They also need free Guiness which has been proven by the Irish to be a useful fertility drug, and underwrites the Irish immigration resettlement program that HUD is running. Any objection?
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