News Flash, Vatican Disinformation Service
This morning, in contradiction to a thousand years of institutional unbiblical bondage to a spiritual fiction, the Pope has finally admitted that Priests who are not gifted by the Holy Spirit with the grace of celibacy, should not be forced to be and allowed to instead follow their natural God given passions and marry honorably. In a twist of unfathomable inclusion, the Pope actually polled a group of third order lay women on their views on the subject. One remarked "You are kidding! He actually cares what we think and feel? He's not calling us overly emotional women? PL's-priest lovers, or too sexy for our scapulas?"
Noting with remarkable heretofore unseen intellectual honesty, the Pope finally admits that it was Paul who made the statements prefering celibacy which were offered in an optional not mandatory sense even by Paul, and not Jesus --while Paul himself was careful to note he was not presuming to speak for Jesus in his preferences.
Further, the Pope admitted that Saint Peter was a married man whose wife likely was crucified upside down next to him and he will thus commission a statue of Mrs. Peter Pope to be displayed prominently in the Vatican for the first time. This was met with shreaks from the bad- dye- job- gray-blue- pink haired set of old maids protesting "Good God! Peter had a wife?!--priests can marry? we'll lose them all! who are we going to fantasize about now!! Who will take us to lunch on pilgrimmages?".
In his streak of astonishing further intellectual honesty the Pope continued that priests who hit on and emotionally lead on ten to fifteen women, with a few hiding in the basement kitchen in any given parish for profit can be in fact much less holy than a man who marries honorably one woman and attempts to build a family, maintain a home and educates his own children. In a surprising twist of insight, the Pope admits that the people who had the faith enough to create an infant could be in some cases seen as having actually more faith than someone who repudiates ever having natural children and instead sprinkles other people's children with baptismal water.
"I baptize my baby every night" said a mother in her 40s whose miracle baby was conceived naturally. "I thank the father, son and holy spirit every time I bathe his perfect little body."
At the conclusion of the 50 days of Easter, the Pope will require priests who otherwise would be considered sort of emotional con artists to search their souls and "shit or get off the pot" -by either declaring and affirming themselves gifted with a total lack of natural desire for physical intimacy with women (which is what a gifting of celibacy in fact means) or declare their openness to the intention to marry and have a family one day. They will not be forced to get engaged immediately, just end the charade. They will not lose their jobs, because once a priest always a priest and it is a vocation not just a "job."
The Vatican will henceforth stop the policy of mandatory de facto castration of all seminarians. The head enforcer of the Doctrine of the Faith concluded "It's possible Jesus wanted priests to be real men before they were real priests. We have no biblical exegetical evidence of any apostle wearing a white doily over-slip except perhaps the Mary Magdelene" Hiding under vestment dresses and white doily baby doll over-slips will thenceforth become optional. The Franciscan Sisters of the Atonement will sell at substantial discount Cordoroys, Jeans, Oxford button downs, ties and leather Jackets in their thrift shop starting on Pentacost.
Stunning the Cardinals the Pope admitted that the church isn't supposed to be making martyrs of it's own people (leave that to China and Somalia), and that actual Martyrdom of the faith only occurs when a non-believer kills off a believer for reasons of their standing on faith and belief in Christ (see, http://www.persecution.com/, Voice of the Martyrs), not when the hierarchy of the church itself imposes an unbiblical restraint of personal liberty as a condition of employment or "vocation" wholly outside anything Jesus ever commanded or said to drive the faithful crazy. Further priests aren't supposed to be martyring their female congregants for being stupid enough to fall for them. In a surprising twist of conscience the Pope conceeded the use of the term "Martyrdom" to signify his forced celibacy rule and the torture some frustrated priests inflict on women was, well, just plain flat out twisted.
Dominican Friars protested "Am I supposed to put my kid to bed and run out to the hospital to give last rights?" to which the Pope noted that "on call" Doctors in every major hospital in the world leave their homes to perform emergency night surgeries, and even firemen sometimes get called out of bed in the line of duty. Additionally it is forseen that the new rules will easily triple the priesthood in ten years thus lightening everyone's schedules. "Next thing the Pope will want us to do is make tents" protested a Dominican.
It is predicted that four hundred previously homeless women in American metropolitan areas will now be able to move into the rectories of the priests who were dating them. Roughly 4,000 near homeless women who thought they were dating them will learn someone else grabbed their fancy first and finally get a clue and get real jobs.
One parishioner protested to the Pope in the comment period preceding the Bull "Great, now my Parish is going to feel like an episode of 'The Bachelor' with the lectors chosen based on their virginal cuteness date-worthiness factor" to which the Pope replied- "What, you didn't notice it already is an episode of The Batchelor? This way the Priest just has to pay for the dates!" The Pope further commented "There is nothing mandatory about taking the bait and you can still feed and clothe the homeless, replace the burned out candles, conduct RCIA and CCD classes on chastity, and water the garden flowers if that gives you joy when the Priest marries someone else-it's not a license to be licentious, just a licence to wed. Try the Personals. I recommend a nose job first."
A Rush on the Italian Embassy for Visas to Italy for the Papal wedding blessing and extended honeymoons in Sardinia and Capri are expected for those soon to be engaged to Priests. The Vatican Treasury is offering installment payment plans for rings.
APRIL FOOLS!
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