for all priests
henceforth, all priests who wish to go no.2 must either affix coloscomy bags surgically for waste removal or go standing on their heads and with a plastic bag to catch it to avoid clogging the ancient pipes in the historic church properties. We estimate and our lawyers confirm that this will save millions of dollars in plumbing bills and latrine renovations if people just dispose of their waste in cans the same way dog pooper scoopers work.
A months supply of pooper scooper bags will be made available at each archdiocese. Collections for priest pooper scoopers will be every alternative third sunday.
A thorough study of this new canon law has demonstrated the massive savings to parishes and rectory properties (no pun intended). While not everyone is as 'gifted' at this technique as others, the majority of people who wish to serve Jesus have adapted hesitatingly to it. Keep reminding them that this is God's will and keep repeating God's will not your will be done. There are some instances of messes created for people who find this unnatural. Not humanly wise or possible. Those who refuse to either surgically get colonoscopy bags or use the pooper scooper and insist on squatting to take a dump will be excommunicated to do their business squatting on the lawn in front of everyone.
Those who really insist that this is unnatural or those who create messes due to the awkwardness this creates will be punished, transferred or otherwise disciplined if they are too revenue generating otherwise to be excommunicated.
"But it's not in the bible!" protested one dissident and seventy five percent of his archdiocese who agreed. Yes, but it's tradition now! In a thousand years everyone will think it always was tradition and they will forget how to squat.
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