The President, after a long thoughtful study funded by the Car Mechanics Association today issued a proclamation and executive order declaring the eating of Battery Acid a healthy pursuit and mandating all cafeterias, restaurants and 7-11s must now make battery acid a menu item. Affirming that it is a constitutional right long overdue in recognition the President hailed the day as "the brightest day in our history-when we all can finally drink battery acid." People changed their Facebook images to car batteries and it saw a flood of new customers at Jiffy Lube. "I feel Whole Now" said the President who confessed to midnight cravings of battery acid for a while now. "I don't feel like I have to hide it any more- I adore the stuff." He finally gave reporters a view of the stash he stored in the freezer in the White House basement. An image of a car was lasered onto the White House facade in tribute to the finally free President who declared "free battery acid for all Americans!" Where is the Parade? The erstwhile owner of a restaurant said , uh, we don't think we should have to pay to find battery acid and it eats into our porcelain. To which the President replied "sent the FBI after that guy and shut down his restaurant."
One reporter, in noting that Bo the President's dog died drinking the stuff, the President dismissed him, tore off his White House press credentials from his lapel and said he was a disgraceful Acidophobe. "We will not tolerate Acidophobes in America-there is no place for discrimination against Acidics."